27th September : My Personal 9/11

Everybody has their share of 9/11s in their life. Today is my first one. I know many more will come in life ahead. Today I feel like I am witnessing my own murder, like someone is drowning me in water or burning me alive and I can feel that every single moment is taking me closer to death. I am an emotional fool, I dont have problem in admitting that. Generally everyone is little emotional but male ego prevents many males from admitting it. I dont have any problem in letting my heart open to all. When I am hurt I go extrovert otherwise I will be troubled by holding it all up inside. I dont have problem in admitting that I am short of well wishers and those people who truly care about me. This problem is my own in making. I was with her and I shut everyone out. My whole time and energy was devoted to her. I am feeling lonely and that has become my nature. I know its harmful and I have to get over it. The thoughts of losing her just destroying me from inside.

I know no one can help me and I myself have to cross this ravaging river. I have given this advice to so many people but ultimately it came down to me to follow it all. I always believed in practicing what you are preaching and this is my test. Its really difficult to forget her. May be its too long that I am living alone. I felt grown up for so many years. Always thought that i dont need anyone and can solve all my problems. But matter of hearts is the area where I now feel that you need someone to talk to. Who can make you comfortable. To whom you can open up yourself. The biggest problem in doing that is there are very few people whom you can trust while opening up. People after hearing you out, make your case public and which makes you a pitty creature in everyone's eyes. Many people dont understand your emotions and most of the times just looking for something which they can talk about to pass time during the day.

Very few people can understand your pain and you are lucky if you have one of them. Anyways what I am doing by writing this is trying to help any other person who might be in similar situation like me. I know time is the best healer and everything gets better with time but the problem is about present, the present moments are the worst of the times that I have been through. This too shall pass but until it passes its taking heavy toll on me. I just have to be strong from inside but I always felt that she was one of my support pillars. She was one of the bases on which I stood up all these years. She is opening up a new chapter in her life and I just want her to be happy. May god bless her with all the happiness of the world. May she get all that she wanted from life.

Life many times throw a tough choice on you and how you deal with it, is what defines you. I think I havent been on best of my behavior. I have hurt only those who are close to me and this in turn hurt me back. How soon I will get over the fact that she is no more with me, I frankly dont know. But I have to face it than only I will be able to move on. God give me strength to face it.