A new DrEaM, A new HoPe

Ok folks, Here I am, again with some more emotional stupidity. I must admit that past few days have been really like I am not being myself. I don’t exactly know why but there is so much anger and frustrations are there inside me. I think Its combination of lots of factors. Anyways I don’t want to hold on to my anger otherwise it will burn me up and destroy from with in. I don’t want to say harsh things to my loved ones as it would cause more problems and hurts as I wont be able to see their sad faces because of me. from time to time I think, everyone goes through these type of phases, which I suppose helps them to become a more matured and good person in life. It makes them strong in a way that they now know everything is possible and you cant always expect life to be full of happiness. I have really been happy for too long and now its start of another gloomy phase. I have accepted my fate as an ordinary human. I am a ordinary person and things are going to be with me in a ordinary and simple way only. Its not going to be special as I don’t want to work hard enough and waste my time in lots of things.

When I was a kid I wanted to become an Indian Army officer. Well not exactly wanted but it was the thing because of which I took mechanical engg as my branch. I appeared for tests, passed some but couldn’t make it to finals in Army. After some time I quit trying for armed forces. Then I thought of becoming prime minister of India as I saw lots of misdeeds happening in India by politicians and I thought if people really had a good alternative then they would opt for that. But I was, and still is too small and ordinary person to make it big in politics in India. As we all know, if you are not related to somebody big in India then its difficult, well not impossible to make it big in politics. There are few exceptions like Narendra Modi and Atal Bihari Vajpayee who achieved it in spite of all odds. Its because of their conviction and hard work that they have achieved it. I do have conviction in my abilities but I don’t have will to work hard. Its like if get lucky as ManMohan Singh then I would really make a difference.

In my life till now I have got most of the things while going with flow. And I thought that its this flow which will give me the things which I desire for easily. As I was nobody to become a prime minister I thought of becoming somebody and started preparing a bit for IAS exams. I thought that after I clear the exam then I will join the service for 4- 5 years and then most probably join some suitable political party and fight elections. I wanted to quit some higher things so that people will take notice and offer me the things which I needed. I fully understand that there is no value for renunciation of a beggar in eyes of general public. There are many who quit their home and devout their life to god, but people only remember a Buddha or Siddharth a King who gave up everything and became a monk. Its because he had it all and he left it people still follow his path, as they know that material possessions will not make you happy even if you are a king. True happiness comes only from serving the less fortunate. Please don’t get a impression that I am just some publicity crazy person. I can chose either of the paths like leaving from home silently and work for myself and nirvana or the other one in which I work hard to become someone prominent and utilize that influence like a Vivekananda or Buddha to change the destiny of the people. I always wanted to be in later category. I still crave for the same. Well desiring for something is different and getting it is another whole reality.

Anyways, due to some stupid circumstances and my more inclination towards not working as hard as I should, I began to lose interest in IAS. I got involved in more worldly things then I should. Most of the time I manufactured a new excuse for not studying hard enough and completely stopped studying when I joined the job. After five years in job I am again wondering what I should do with my life. It’s the same question I asked myself few years back when I started thinking joining Indian Armed Forces. Everyone should do what makes them happy. I was really happy few months back. When I thought I have everything to start a normal life. I was thinking of becoming more stable in career and in personal life. I have never imagined my life as a married person until approximately 2 years back. Earlier my thinking was that marriage actually stops you from thinking about others because you are more and more involved with your family. If I was wealthy enough then I can live happily with my spouse and kids and do charity works like opening schools, orphanages, old age homes and hospitals. But reality is I don’t have that kind of wealth and if I am going to be married then I have to earn enough to fulfill demands of my spouse and kids, which I think I am capable of now, but I wont be having much money for charity that I want to do. This is too selfish to think. I really find it difficult to think about all this. My heart fills with guilt that all I stood for in my life till now is going to be compromised. I think I am just being stupid and not looking beyond the selfish narrow view beyond my nose. May be too much comforting and carefree life till now has taken its toll on me. The solution to my problem lies in working hard to achieve anything thing meaningful and realize my dreams which are really few. Now also I am just inventing new and new excuses for not working hard. There is a thing called destiny but strong will powered men and women have changed their destiny and realized their dreams. Examples are there in front of me like Mr Ratan Tata, he thought of Nano and achieved it but he had the resources. I too have resources for the things which I want to achieve. I need to shake up my mind to be completely at focus for the last time in my life. It’s the chance which I had to take I cant miss this otherwise it would be difficult to get into this frame of mind again. There are going to be side effects involved in whatever you do. But its looking beyond obvious and temporary solutions which makes a person different from crowd.

My problems and their solutions both lie in me. its only upto me to address it and work hard to get over it. I have to be the master of my own destiny and not the destiny guide me anymore. I cant afford lose this battle with in me. Again I have a new plan and lets see how I start working on it. I cant lose, I cant lose, I cant lose and I wont lose this time.