Do You Know What You Really Want From Your Life?

I am having some troubling times. One question is coming again & again in my mind for past several years. This question has troubled me in past & its troubling me now even more. The question is " What I really want from my life?". This was supposed to be very easy question to solve as there cant be many answers to this question. But still I think I am not able to answer this question. Why this question is so difficult to answer? I think I am still not able to find my core. There are certain things which I think might be my true calling. I dont have material desires but I want to do three things in my life;

1) First Thing: I want to open a school which gives good quality education to underpriviledged children in semi urban or rural areas at very nominal or no cost. As I believe education is the only tool which can change the face of India & the individual. Whatever I am today is because of education and I understand its importance very well. My late father always knew importance of education and always forced all siblings to never compromise while learning. He knew that education is the only tool which can bring anyone out of the clutches of poverty & help you in realising your dreams and make you better productive member of the society. He forced all my siblings & me to study & study very hard and its because of him, I am what I am today.

2) Second Thing: I want to open an old age home for neglected senior citizens. I am still amazed how so many Indians just abandon their parents in old age. The country where our scriptures says that since God cant be present in physical form everywhere thats why he created parents. I know some parents are also at fault as they are not able to adjust with changing times & habits of this modern age but still its duty of the children to take care of their parents. its not like that I didnt fight with my father. We had disagreement on many things & I know I have his stubborn nature in me. I miss his presence in my life. I never talked much with him but still when he was alive, it felt like there is some one whose hand is there on my head. I am what I am today is because of him. His strict discipline & way of simple living has taught me many thing. I wish I had some more years with him to let him know how much I admire him & how much I have learned from his own life. He is gone & sometimes I just wish that he would appear from somehwere and shout at me for sleeping so late on holidays. He never liked it and he had this habit of making the other person aware that he is not liking something. He was brutly blunt & honest to the core and I feel proud that I am his son. He was rarely tensed in any situation. He had great wealth of knowledge & lots of stories to tell for making his point. I have inherited some of his qualities. Although I havent been able to live with him much becuase of my education & job but feeling of his presence in my life was the guiding light & the support pillar around which my whole family revolved. My brother had good fortune of serving my father all these years. Yes it was very tough to deal with my father sometimes but every human has certain faults and true love exists when you can overlook the faults a little and focus more on care, goodwill & affection. So its necessary to give care, love & affection to old age when the parents truly need it. Munshi Premchand was the great writer in hindi language. I have read his one story by name "Budhi Kaki" in school in 5th class. That story is still fresh in my mind. He writes there "Budhapa Bahuda bachpan ka punaragaman hua karta hai" means " the old age is generally the repetition of childhood". I think he is very right as old people become more & more stubborn in many cases like the children and needs our special care & attention. I would request all new parents to take care of their parents like they take care of their kids.

3) Third Thing: I want to open a multi specialty hospital & medical college in remote corners of India, which will do treatment as very low or no cost to poor. They will certainly charge those who can afford to pay.

I know to fulfill these dreams I need to have lots of money and I am not the individual who has that kind of money. But still if I ever choose to do business in my life then these 3 things would be ultimate thing for which I would like to earn money.

Anyways when this going to happen is secret buried in future. I have always lived the life with the flow, tried to live life as it comes, face the challenges as & when life throws them to me. In my life I have experienced that the things after which I try to run after, are the things which I never get. I dont know whats the reason. May be its some unseen hand which wants me to stay away from certain things and guiding or pushing me to achieve something other. I think in this way because I need to have some logic through which my heart & mind can understand it too. Its very difficult situation for me when I my mind doesnt understand something. It makes me awake in nights & mad in days just to know why this has happened with me in this way. So to keep mind satisfied, I have built up this argument and I think my mind understands it well and it becomes easy for me to go on with flow of life.

But still I dont know what I want from my life and its very dangerous situation to be in. My condition sometimes becomes like a headless chicken who doesnt know where to go & what to do. The choice would have been as simple as like I get married to someone, have kids & just live like many others are living. Its fairly simple process which doesnt involve lots of thinking as you will become so much busy that probably you wont have time to think on "what you really want from your life". As I have seen many people like that. But is that what I really want to do? I still dont know.. What I know is I want to serve my motherland by any mean possible. There are examples like Vivekanand, Anna Hazare & Baba Ramdev in front of me to take the lessons from. But I am still figuring it out do I have this much courage to leave everything and just get immersed in big ocean of India? What will happen to some of my worldly desires which still keeps me going in present state? I have got one thing clear in my head that I love my country, I love India.. and there is a strong desire to serve people of this land so that we will again be known as world's guru in every field. All the great people of the world have told that you need to find something which you love and once you find it you will know how to create wonders with it. I know what I love but still there is lots of confusion for ways & means to do what you love.

I can directly take plunge in Baba Ramdev's movement & help him in his fight against high & mighty as I believe Babaji is doing great service to India & Indians by taking up the cause of common man. So is this the thing which I want to do? But I have some loans to pay & if I dont earn money than who is going to take care of that? I think I am going to postpone this decision to few more years so that I can settle my debts or may be its the excuse which I am taking for shying away from hard work ahead in that road. I am having some problem in deciding it. I also know that once who want to achieve or do something never talk too much about it and just do it. May be I need sometime to makeup my mind.. May be some past experiences are still haunting me.. May be I am not clear in my head what I am really seeking from this life as this life doesnt belong to me only.. some loved ones has right over it too.. So my dilemma continues.. Lucky are those people who really knew what they actually want.. Like Steve jobs.. he clearly knew he loved computers & technologies and wanted to make best use of them to produce marvelous gadgets for humanity.. Like Vivekanand ji knew that he wants to reestablish the respect for Sanatan Dharma in world.. I think he didnt knew it initially but Ramkrishnaji made him aware of this.. Like Baba Ramdev & Anna Hazare know that they want to see corruption free India & playing their bit.. These people clearly know what they want... But problem with me is I dont know what I really want.. I am stuck up sometimes in worldly desires & sometimes in lofty ideals of serving the humanity..

I think this is the situation with most of the common individuals like me.. I think this is the difference between ordinary & extra ordinary.. The extraordinary ones clearly knew from their early age what they really wanted to do with their life.. while the lesser mortal like me are still not clear what they really want to do.. I have not found my calling yet & I am still confused with this question.. I pray & hope that I find it out soon.. I hope that all those who are reading this blog also find their true calling so that we can live in a better world.. because until you love what you do , you dont bring the best in it.. I am a soul which is trapped in some body.. I want to be free and until I know my true calling I will remain trapped in boundation .. I pray to almighty that he guides my intellect in right direction and help me in choosing the right thing..

A new DrEaM, A new HoPe

Ok folks, Here I am, again with some more emotional stupidity. I must admit that past few days have been really like I am not being myself. I don’t exactly know why but there is so much anger and frustrations are there inside me. I think Its combination of lots of factors. Anyways I don’t want to hold on to my anger otherwise it will burn me up and destroy from with in. I don’t want to say harsh things to my loved ones as it would cause more problems and hurts as I wont be able to see their sad faces because of me. from time to time I think, everyone goes through these type of phases, which I suppose helps them to become a more matured and good person in life. It makes them strong in a way that they now know everything is possible and you cant always expect life to be full of happiness. I have really been happy for too long and now its start of another gloomy phase. I have accepted my fate as an ordinary human. I am a ordinary person and things are going to be with me in a ordinary and simple way only. Its not going to be special as I don’t want to work hard enough and waste my time in lots of things.

When I was a kid I wanted to become an Indian Army officer. Well not exactly wanted but it was the thing because of which I took mechanical engg as my branch. I appeared for tests, passed some but couldn’t make it to finals in Army. After some time I quit trying for armed forces. Then I thought of becoming prime minister of India as I saw lots of misdeeds happening in India by politicians and I thought if people really had a good alternative then they would opt for that. But I was, and still is too small and ordinary person to make it big in politics in India. As we all know, if you are not related to somebody big in India then its difficult, well not impossible to make it big in politics. There are few exceptions like Narendra Modi and Atal Bihari Vajpayee who achieved it in spite of all odds. Its because of their conviction and hard work that they have achieved it. I do have conviction in my abilities but I don’t have will to work hard. Its like if get lucky as ManMohan Singh then I would really make a difference.

In my life till now I have got most of the things while going with flow. And I thought that its this flow which will give me the things which I desire for easily. As I was nobody to become a prime minister I thought of becoming somebody and started preparing a bit for IAS exams. I thought that after I clear the exam then I will join the service for 4- 5 years and then most probably join some suitable political party and fight elections. I wanted to quit some higher things so that people will take notice and offer me the things which I needed. I fully understand that there is no value for renunciation of a beggar in eyes of general public. There are many who quit their home and devout their life to god, but people only remember a Buddha or Siddharth a King who gave up everything and became a monk. Its because he had it all and he left it people still follow his path, as they know that material possessions will not make you happy even if you are a king. True happiness comes only from serving the less fortunate. Please don’t get a impression that I am just some publicity crazy person. I can chose either of the paths like leaving from home silently and work for myself and nirvana or the other one in which I work hard to become someone prominent and utilize that influence like a Vivekananda or Buddha to change the destiny of the people. I always wanted to be in later category. I still crave for the same. Well desiring for something is different and getting it is another whole reality.

Anyways, due to some stupid circumstances and my more inclination towards not working as hard as I should, I began to lose interest in IAS. I got involved in more worldly things then I should. Most of the time I manufactured a new excuse for not studying hard enough and completely stopped studying when I joined the job. After five years in job I am again wondering what I should do with my life. It’s the same question I asked myself few years back when I started thinking joining Indian Armed Forces. Everyone should do what makes them happy. I was really happy few months back. When I thought I have everything to start a normal life. I was thinking of becoming more stable in career and in personal life. I have never imagined my life as a married person until approximately 2 years back. Earlier my thinking was that marriage actually stops you from thinking about others because you are more and more involved with your family. If I was wealthy enough then I can live happily with my spouse and kids and do charity works like opening schools, orphanages, old age homes and hospitals. But reality is I don’t have that kind of wealth and if I am going to be married then I have to earn enough to fulfill demands of my spouse and kids, which I think I am capable of now, but I wont be having much money for charity that I want to do. This is too selfish to think. I really find it difficult to think about all this. My heart fills with guilt that all I stood for in my life till now is going to be compromised. I think I am just being stupid and not looking beyond the selfish narrow view beyond my nose. May be too much comforting and carefree life till now has taken its toll on me. The solution to my problem lies in working hard to achieve anything thing meaningful and realize my dreams which are really few. Now also I am just inventing new and new excuses for not working hard. There is a thing called destiny but strong will powered men and women have changed their destiny and realized their dreams. Examples are there in front of me like Mr Ratan Tata, he thought of Nano and achieved it but he had the resources. I too have resources for the things which I want to achieve. I need to shake up my mind to be completely at focus for the last time in my life. It’s the chance which I had to take I cant miss this otherwise it would be difficult to get into this frame of mind again. There are going to be side effects involved in whatever you do. But its looking beyond obvious and temporary solutions which makes a person different from crowd.

My problems and their solutions both lie in me. its only upto me to address it and work hard to get over it. I have to be the master of my own destiny and not the destiny guide me anymore. I cant afford lose this battle with in me. Again I have a new plan and lets see how I start working on it. I cant lose, I cant lose, I cant lose and I wont lose this time.