27th September : My Personal 9/11

Everybody has their share of 9/11s in their life. Today is my first one. I know many more will come in life ahead. Today I feel like I am witnessing my own murder, like someone is drowning me in water or burning me alive and I can feel that every single moment is taking me closer to death. I am an emotional fool, I dont have problem in admitting that. Generally everyone is little emotional but male ego prevents many males from admitting it. I dont have any problem in letting my heart open to all. When I am hurt I go extrovert otherwise I will be troubled by holding it all up inside. I dont have problem in admitting that I am short of well wishers and those people who truly care about me. This problem is my own in making. I was with her and I shut everyone out. My whole time and energy was devoted to her. I am feeling lonely and that has become my nature. I know its harmful and I have to get over it. The thoughts of losing her just destroying me from inside.

I know no one can help me and I myself have to cross this ravaging river. I have given this advice to so many people but ultimately it came down to me to follow it all. I always believed in practicing what you are preaching and this is my test. Its really difficult to forget her. May be its too long that I am living alone. I felt grown up for so many years. Always thought that i dont need anyone and can solve all my problems. But matter of hearts is the area where I now feel that you need someone to talk to. Who can make you comfortable. To whom you can open up yourself. The biggest problem in doing that is there are very few people whom you can trust while opening up. People after hearing you out, make your case public and which makes you a pitty creature in everyone's eyes. Many people dont understand your emotions and most of the times just looking for something which they can talk about to pass time during the day.

Very few people can understand your pain and you are lucky if you have one of them. Anyways what I am doing by writing this is trying to help any other person who might be in similar situation like me. I know time is the best healer and everything gets better with time but the problem is about present, the present moments are the worst of the times that I have been through. This too shall pass but until it passes its taking heavy toll on me. I just have to be strong from inside but I always felt that she was one of my support pillars. She was one of the bases on which I stood up all these years. She is opening up a new chapter in her life and I just want her to be happy. May god bless her with all the happiness of the world. May she get all that she wanted from life.

Life many times throw a tough choice on you and how you deal with it, is what defines you. I think I havent been on best of my behavior. I have hurt only those who are close to me and this in turn hurt me back. How soon I will get over the fact that she is no more with me, I frankly dont know. But I have to face it than only I will be able to move on. God give me strength to face it.

मेरी कवितायें : बहुत अकेला हो गया हूँ

ख्वाबों के महल गिरकर टूटे , तिनके तक उडा ले गई हवा !
साया भी नही है साथ मेरे , बहुत अकेला में हो गया हूँ !!

आंसू मेरे दिख न जाए , बारिशों में ही निकलता हूँ
साँसे भी साथ छोड़ रही है , बहुत अकेला में हो गया हूँ !!

वो ही एक ठहराव था , जो मेरी रूह को सुकून दे गया
ख़ुद से बातें करता हूँ , बहुत अकेला में हो गया हूँ !!

किसी और से मिले लगता है , बहुत वक्त निकल गया
आइना नही पहचानता मुझे , बहुत अकेला में हो गया हूँ !!

"भूमिपुत्र"

Get Over It.. You Lost What Was With You.. Its Gone Forever

Why its becoming so difficult.. why this heart doesnt understand the reason.. why its so illogical.. why its creating problem for me again.. why it cries so much.. why its impossible to move mind away from her when I am alone or in crowd.. why I am still living in past.. I want to call her right now.. many times picked up the phone.. but couldnt dial the number.. I am feeling her inside me now..my heard aches when I think of her too much.. its the same aching for her that I felt always.. why I am not understanding she is not mine now.. I have lost her.. why I am being so childish when I know all the answers.. when I know its all over.. its finished.. ohh God help me understand that I have to move on..

My whole life I have given priority to reason. I have given advice to so many people. I have told them to follow reason over everything and I guess it was right advice keeping that situation in mind.. why I am not able to follow the reason .. People say you should think from heart.. but life becomes too messy and difficult when you think from heart specially in case of heartbreak.. If I want myself on my feet again.. I have to give reason a chance.. I have to recall my own advices to people.. its almost 15 minutes now that I am writing this blog.. I just want everything inside me to come out because if it stays inside than it kills me and I end up having hatred for her which I dont want..

I have always believed that whatever God does he does it for good. There may be some good in store somewhere. But right now I am failed to see it.. It feels like I have lost everything.. All the beautiful dreams, all great hopes, all talks of future got crumbled in front of my eyes.. I often wondered why we met in first place if the end was to be like this. I fail to see God's big plan behind this. I usually control myself with lots of positive feelings.. and different activities.. but tonight it seems I am all alone..

This feeling is becoming just too much to handle.. every single moment spend with her is coming in mind.. ohh God what should I do.. where should I go so that I dont think anything about her.. for past so many years she was part of everything of mine.. from waking up in the morning to sleeping in nights.. every moment I was coming close to her.. I couldnt see it coming that some differences between us became so prominent that we had to part ways.. Now its too late I know.. Its all babbling to just throw all thoughts out.. I dont want to remember any bad things... I never did.. I dont want to hold any grudge.. the grudge destroys the holder from inside.. and thats all I got with me.. my inner courage.. I cant afford it to be destroyed..

I have to rise again.. for past 10 years of my life .. I have just wasted them here and there.. I could have achieved so much .. I could have fullfilled some of my dreams.. I could have taken initiatives which may have changed something in society for better.. I just let myself rot and wasted time in doing all stupid things.. I think I still have time.. I have to make best use of this time..

मेरी कवितायें: वो बदल गया

बदला वो इस तरह के , मेरी ज़िन्दगी बदल गया
मुझे ऐसे मरता देखकर , दील उसका शायद बहल गया !!

दुश्मन होता अगर कहीं वो , तो शायद समझ भी जाता ,
हमसफ़र जिसे माना मैंने , कत्ल करके निकल गया !!

इंतज़ार किसिका करने की, हद भी कोई होती है ,
वो तो आया नही और, में बुत बनकर रह गया !!

मुट्ठी में भरी रेत जैसे ,उसे अपना मान लिया था मैंने ,
ख्वाब सारे टूट गए हैं, वो हाथ झटककर चल गया !!

"भूमिपुत्र "